How to Be a Good Mom

How to be a good mom. Ultimately this is what all mother's want to know. After working with countless families at WIC (Women Infants and Children, the supplemental nutrition program for low income families) and more than 20 private families in Indianapolis, I have come to some conclusions about what it means to be a good mom.


Here's a list that I've come up with:

You know you’re a good mom when:

• You wish for them to be healthy and happy and to know that they are loved
• All the rest is extra

Why is that list so short? Because I've worked with low-income moms with really tough situations. They might loose their temper quickly, they might not always give them the healthiest choices. But does that make them a bad mom? No. Do you have to be perfect to be a good mom? No, no one is, and there are lots of great parents out there! Mistakes and flaws in all!


Many of my current clients have very high standards for themselves. Maybe they had seemingly perfect parents themselves that they're trying to live up to. Or maybe they were really disappointed by the parenting they received as a child and are wanting more for their own kids. There are also WAY TOO MANY parenting books and websites and articles about what to NEVER do and what to ALWAYS do if you want a chance at a kid who is half-way well adjusted and lives past the age of 3. It all makes for a lot of guilt and a lot of pressure on parents, especially on moms.


I'm guilty of it too! Before I started working in this field, I read tons of books on parenting, trying to prepare myself for the future so that I gave my kids the perfect nutrition, perfect discipline methods, etc. I wanted to be ready for parenting armed with the right way to do things.


I'm so glad I started working with different families because it taught me that there isn't one right way to do things. There are many right ways. Some that are easier, some that are harder. Some that work for certain kids, some that work for others. The key is staying flexible, and not being hard on yourself if things don't go to plan.


I stopped reading books on parenting a long time ago. Who has time for that anyway! I continue to read the latest research articles that apply to my field, and I will search for answers to a particular problem that a family has. But overarching bibles for raising kids? In my experience, it always seems to go much more smoothly when you take all advice like that with a grain of salt. Keep in mind what feels right to you. Consult with experts for situations that feel beyond your control. Know that your child will survive even if you don't read the end of that book or article!


Need more specifics? I started creating a list of characteristics that can apply to good parents. And those characteristics that are not acceptable for good parents. See what side you fall on with each of these categories.

• Diapers for babies
  • Characteristics of a good mom (examples, any of the following can apply, or others that I haven't listed)
    • Uses cloth diapers
    • Uses disposable diapers
    • Uses all-natural diapers
    • Uses a wipe warmer
    • Doesn’t use a wipe warmer
    • Uses butt cream when baby’s butt is a little red/rashy to help it heal
  • Behaviors that aren’t appropriate
    • Using no diaper for baby. Allowing them to relieve themselves all over their bedding and keep them in unsanitary conditions.
    • Keeping the same diaper on all day, ignoring the baby’s need for a clean diaper, baby’s butt is raw and red, blistery, and the mom/parent does nothing to help baby
• Milk for babies
  • Characteristics of a good mom (examples, any of the following can apply, or others that I haven't listed)
    • Feeds with formula
    • Breastfeeds
    • Pumps and bottle feeds
    • Cleans bottles regularly
    • Sanitizes bottles after each use
    • Skips the sanitizing step and just hand-washes bottles
    • Washes bottles in dishwasher
  • Behaviors that aren’t appropriate
    • Uses a milk-replacer that is not approved for babies (unmodified cow’s milk, sugar water, soda, etc)
    • Doesn’t clean bottles before or after use. Reuses bottles all day, even if there is a smell of spoiled milk.
    • Waters down formula in order to make it stretch
• Clothes for baby
  • Characteristics of a good mom (examples, any of the following can apply, or others that I haven't listed)
    • Dresses baby in the newest, trendiest clothes
    • Dresses baby in hand-me downs, even if they’re a little tattered, stained, outdated, etc
    • Keeps baby in pajamas all day, maybe goes a couple days in the same outfit if there weren’t any poop-blow outs or major spit ups.
    • Sometimes leaves baby in diaper only if it's warm inside or outside.
  • Behaviors that aren’t appropriate
    • Leaves baby in clothes that are soiled & wet for the whole day. Skin shows signs of breakdown, redness, irritation.
    • Dresses baby in clothes covered in second-hand smoke or other drugs/alcohol
• Baby Sleep
  • Characteristics of a good mom (examples, any of the following can apply, or others that I haven't listed)
    • Follows specific guidelines for baby sleep schedules
    • Watches baby for cues to know when and how long baby needs to sleep
    • Feels lost sometimes because baby is unpredictable or cranky
    • Baby sleeps in the same place for every nap for constancy
    • Baby sleeps in different places different days and different times of day (crib, swing, car seat, stroller, mom’s arms, carrier, etc)
  • Behaviors that aren’t appropriate
    • Keeps baby awake long periods of times without any concern for baby’s sleep needs.
    • Puts baby down to sleep in a very unsafe environment (examples: on a high surface without rails, next to an intoxicated adult, etc)
• Mom's Feelings and Self Care
  • Characteristics of a good mom (examples, any of the following can apply, or others that I haven't listed)
    • Wishes other people would help more, but is afraid to ask.
    • Asks for help when needed and takes breaks when needed.
    • Wishes it was easier.
    • Doubts if she’s a good mom.
    • Feels moments when everything clicks and things just feel right.
    • Reads lots of books and articles, so she can be a good parent and do things the right way.
    • Asks people lots of questions about how they do things to figure out the right way.
    • Trusts her instincts with parenting.
    • Wishes she could have more time to get things done and spend quality time with kids, family, friends.
    • Loses herself in her kids, wanting the best for them and always putting herself last.
    • Takes care of her own needs first before providing for her family
    • Has to put baby down and walk away for a few moments when it’s too much.
    • Needs a glass of wine at the end of the day to unwind.
    • Reads a book, takes a bath, or takes a walk to de-stress.
    • Asks a responsible person to watch baby for a few hours, or a few days if she needs time for herself
  • Behaviors that aren’t appropriate (examples, any of the following can apply, or others that I haven't listed)
    • Walks out on her family, without leaving them with safe care takers.
    • Verbally or physically assaults family because she is so stressed and overwhelmed.
    • Takes excess alcohol or drugs to numb the pain/stress while kids are under her care

If you have any of the behaviors that aren't appropriate, you should seek help to correct those behaviors. If you fall on the green side for all the answers, rest assured, you're doing a great job! Anything you try to change or improve is just icing on the cake. There is room for doubt, mistakes, and doing things differently in parenting. Try not to be too hard on yourself.


If you want me to help you learn to trust your instincts and really believe you are a good parent, reach out! I love helping families develop confidence raising their kids while also remembering to take care of their own needs as well. (AKA parents need naps too!)


Nicole


Ps. I have been thinking lately about how I end sentences with prepositions. I realized that I did this a number of times in this blog post alone. Googling "how to not end sentences with prepositions" I found this article. Because of it, I decided to leave the mistakes in, because it's the way I speak, right, wrong or otherwise. To any grammar snobs reading out there, my apologies! Please, don't hold it against me! I'm not so great with grammar, but I'm great at supporting moms and helping with breastfeeding!